[00:00:00] Hey, friends. Asher here. Welcome back to Unfeigned Christianity, where we're learning how to be theologically anchored and emotionally healthy so we can love and disciple others. Well, in part one, we talked about how porn isn't just about lust. It's often about pain, about self protection, about trying to survive. Emotions we never learned how to handle. Today I want to push that even further. I want to ask a question that might feel strange at first. What if the part of you that runs to porn is actually trying to help you? I know it sounds backwards, almost wrong, but stay with me, because for most of us, porn is less an insatiable need for sex and more a survival strategy we never learned to name. Not a holy strategy, not a strategy that leads to life, but an emergency strategy that helps you get through the night. Let's be honest. You don't feel like one person. You feel like two. One version of you genuinely wants to walk in sexual integrity. You pray, you read scripture. You want to be faithful to your spouse, to your calling, to your values, and you mean it. And there's the other you, the one who just won't stop. You scroll late at night, you promise you'll quit tomorrow. You fall again after weeks of progress. In the moment, you feel powerless, like something else has taken over. And when it's over, shame hits like a tidal weight. So which version is the real you? We're going to talk about that. But before we go further, if you're resonating with this series so far and you want to continue growing in emotional and spiritual health, make sure you like this video and subscribe to the channel and join the email list. That way you won't miss any episodes and bonus material. To join the email list, visit asherwhitmer.com subscribe or click on the link in the description below.
[00:01:52] Alright, let's get into part two of our series on rewiring desire, a gospel journey towards sexual wholeness. There's a model in therapy called Internal Family Systems. IFS for short. You don't have to remember the name, but I think the idea is actually deeply biblical. Here's the basic premise. You are not one simple, flat self. You are a system of parts. Think of your inner world like a family. Each part has a role, a personality, a voice.
[00:02:21] Some parts want to protect you. Some parts want to avoid pain. Some are stuck in fear. Some carry shame.
[00:02:29] Some carry memories you've never spoken out loud. And in that system, porn isn't just a random temptation. It's a strategy. A bad strategy, A sinful. Strategy, but still a strategy. It's the way one part of you has learned to manage pain when. When everything else feels like it's falling apart. Let me introduce three of the big players. First, there's what ifs calls the exile. The exile is the wounded child inside you. This is the part of you that feels unlovable, rejected, abandoned. The part that carries loneliness. The part that believes I don't belong or I'm too much for people, or I'll never get it right. Most of the time, the exile hides and. And you try to keep it that way, but it leaks. And when it leaks, when that ache comes to the surface, another part jumps in. This second part is called the manager. The manager works hard to keep you looking okay? It's the perfectionist, the religious overachiever, the ambitious worker who can't stop. It's the voice that says, I will do whatever it takes for people to like me. I will be competent, I will be strong, I will be spiritual enough, productive enough, impressive enough. The manager hates failure, hates weakness, hates being truly known. Deep down, it's terrified of what might happen if the exile gets exposed. So it builds systems, rules, image, reputation, spiritual performance.
[00:04:00] But here's the thing. Not even the manager can keep your wounds hidden forever. Which brings us to the third part, when the manager can't keep everything under control anymore. When the exile's pain breaks through, the firefighter rushes in. The firefighter reacts fast. It sees pain and wants it gone. Now, it doesn't care about consequences. It doesn't care about theology. It doesn't care about your promises. It cares about relief. So it runs to whatever will numb the pain the quickest Porn, fantasy, scrolling, anger, food withdrawal. Porn becomes its go to fire extinguisher. Not because it's holy, not because it's right, but because at some point, it seemed to work. For a few minutes, you don't feel the ache. That's the part that keeps pulling you back to porn. And then, after it has done its damage, you feel the shame, the self disgust, the despair. And the cycle starts all over. So if that's not the real you, who is?
[00:05:01] Ifs uses the word self with a capital S. Scripture talks about us as new creations, about the inner self being renewed, about Christ in you. They're both getting at something similar. There is a core, you, that reflects the image of God. This part of you is calm, clear, compassionate, courageous.
[00:05:25] When you live from that place, you don't need to numb your pain. You can face it. You don't have to Prove your worth. You know it because Jesus has spoken it over you. The problem is, most of us were never taught how to live from that place. We spend our days bouncing between managers and firefighters, trying to survive a world that doesn't feel safe. And so the internal battle rages. The Bible actually names this tension. Paul writes in Romans 7, I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing. Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. He's not being dramatic about a bad Tuesday. He's describing what we might call the divided self. He goes on to say, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. There's the desire, but there's also sin dwelling in us. Bent desires, twisted instincts, broken ways of coping. In Galatians 5:17, he says, the desires of the flesh are against the spirit, and the desires of the spirit are against the flesh to keep you from doing the things you want to do. So you feel that war. Flesh versus Spirit. Shame versus Grace. Fear versus Trust. Left to ourselves, we go the way of the manager and the firefighter. Julie Slattery, in her book Rethinking Sexuality, puts it this way. Why is truth so difficult to integrate into our lives? Because we all have conflicts between our natural selves and our spiritual selves. There is a part of us that wants to trust and love God, but another part of us wants to live life on our own terms. As a result, we find ourselves doing the very things we promise never to do. Sound familiar? That's why Paul doesn't just say, try harder. He tells us, we need the Holy Spirit. We need to walk by the Spirit so we don't gratify the desires of the flesh. Galatians 5:16 and 18. Peter says, the passions of the flesh wage war against your soul. 1 Peter 2:11. John says, if we claim we have no sin, we deceive ourselves. 1 John 1:8.
[00:07:51] James goes even further. He says, each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully grown, brings forth death. James 1:14 15 what does it take for something to be born?
[00:08:11] Well, you need a sperm to fertilize a seed that's already there. You see? The seed is already in You. Even after the Holy Spirit comes and begins to transform us, sin still lies within us. Old patterns, old parts, old instincts. So confession is essential, but it's only the start. You can confess your porn use every day of the week and still live almost entirely from your flesh, letting your manager and firefighter run the show. We have to learn to recognize when those parts are leading us again and invite Jesus into those exact moments.
[00:08:50] Julie Slattery says again, hiding is part of being human in a sinful world. As children, we learned that there was an acceptable me that people would embrace and there was an unlovable me that people would reject. Your manager is trying to present the acceptable me. Your exile is carrying the unlovable me. Your firefighter is trying to put out the shame and pain that comes when both are exposed. The gospel doesn't ignore that dynamic. It goes straight after it. Jesus doesn't say, silence those bad parts. He says, bring them to me. When Jesus enters your inner system, he doesn't kick out your parts. He doesn't say, get rid of that firefighter and then come talk to me. He meets you with all your parts, broken as they are. He sits with them. He listens. He shows them they're safe. The firefighter doesn't have to frantically put out the fire because the manager no longer has to hold everything together. Because with Jesus, the exile doesn't have to hide anymore. You're already known, already loved. That changes everything.
[00:09:59] A couple years ago, I was headed out to our peach tree, bucket in hand, kids running behind me. Right before I walked out, Teresa said, be sure not to pick any ones that are still green. She had just read up on how to tell when peaches are ripe. She was excited. She was simply sharing that excitement. But in my heart, it landed very differently. My exile heard, you don't know what you're doing. You have nothing of value to offer. My manager pulled its shirt collar up tighter, determined to prove I can do this on my own. I don't need your help. My firefighter wanted to throw the bucket, slam the door, storm off, run back to a den where no one could poke my old wounds. And based on my past patterns, that kind of unresolved moment could easily set me up for porn temptation later. Not because I was lusting after somebody, but because I was hurting and didn't know how to deal with it. So I walked out to the tree with my kids, gritting my teeth, wondering why such a small comment bugged me so much. I knew it hit an old wound. I just didn't know what to do about it. My usual response would have been the silent treatment. Walking out of the room, sassing under my breath, or maybe outright anger at her comment. All of those were really just early stage firefighter moves. They didn't fix anything. But this time, as I processed with my counselor, he helped me slow down and notice the parts that were active. He invited me to lead with compassion, to say to my exile, I see you, I care. You are not alone. To say to my manager, you don't have to work so hard. You have nothing to prove. And to say to my firefighter, thank you for trying to protect me, but I don't need to numb this pain by making my wife pay for it. And having named all of that, I can welcome Jesus's presence. He already knew why it hurt. He already knew the childhood stories it connected to. And he wasn't ashamed of me in that moment. That's what this looks like in real life. Porn doesn't start by just an idea to look at porn. It starts in the everyday irritations that poke porn. Old wounds at the cross. Jesus doesn't just pay your debt. He proves you're safe. Safe people don't need to self protect. Safe hearts don't have to hide. The gospel isn't about erasing your parts. It's about Jesus redeeming them, teaching each one what love feels like. Think about it. The exile can learn belonging. The manager can learn humility. The firefighter can learn peace. That's what sanctification looks like in Christ. You have a new center, a new core. You don't have to live enslaved to your old parts. You can lead your inner system with the power of the Holy Spirit. And when your parts get loud, you can respond with grace. You can say, I hear you. I know you're scared. But you don't have to run the show anymore. Christ is with me. I'm safe. I'm not alone. Here's a simple prayer you can use when the storm hits. Jesus, I feel divided right now. I. I invite you to lead my inner world. Show me the part that's afraid. Help me listen without shame and remind me that your spirit is stronger than my fear. Then pause. Let silence do some of the work. Let Jesus speak to you. If we're not careful, a lot of us can use Bible verses like duct tape, slapping them over our pain so we don't have to feel it. That's not actually faith. That's fear dressed up in religion. Jesus didn't bypass his pain in Gethsemane. He prayed with deep anguish on the cross. He cried, my God, my God, why have you forsaken me? He wasn't afraid to be honest about the brokenness he felt. But like David in the Psalms, he brought all of it to the Father. God with us gives us the opportunity to attune. Notice the pain, the brokenness. Name. I'm lonely, I'm scared. I feel small. Invite Jesus. Be with me here. Respond. Choose connection instead of control.
[00:14:04] This is how he becomes more than a theory. He becomes a living, breathing father to you. Healing doesn't happen by silencing your parts. It happens by integrating them. It's the slow process of letting your whole self come under the loving leadership of Christ.
[00:14:22] When that happens, even your broken pieces begin to worship. So next time you catch yourself thinking, why can't I stop? Try this instead. What part of me needs love right now? Because Jesus isn't just after your behavior. He's after your heart. Every hidden, hurting corner of it. If this kind of inner work feels new to you, I actually put together a free seven day journal to walk you through it. It's short, printable, gentle and full of grace. It's called the Porn Recovery seven Guided prompts to help you hear what your heart's really saying. The very first prompt is this. What part of me is speaking the loudest right now? It sounds simple, but it's surprisingly revealing. Sometimes it's the manager trying to protect your image. Sometimes it's the firefighter panicking and looking for immediate relief.
[00:15:15] Sometimes it's the exile crying quietly in the corner. Just naming who's talking begins to soften the chaos inside. Because when you name a part, something shifts. You stop being dragged around by your reactions and you begin to lead them. You move from being overwhelmed by your feelings to actually shepherding them. This is part of what Paul means when he talks about walking by the spirit. You're bringing your whole inner world under the loving leadership of Jesus by giving him more specific access to places that hurt. The journal is completely free and I'd love to send it to you. You can grab it through the link in the show notes
[email protected] pornrecoveryjournal in part three, we're going to explore what healing looks like in practice. How to build new habits and neural pathways. How to cultivate secure attachment with Gu, God and with others. How to turn relapse into relationship. You'll see that freedom isn't about never failing again. It's about knowing how to return to connection when you do. Because wholeness isn't just found in perfection. It's found in presence. Thanks for being here. I'll see you in the next part.
