Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Friends, welcome back to Unpayed Christianity. I'm Asher Whitmer and I'm reviewing my book Live Free Making Sense of Male Sexuality Right now. If you've been following along, you know we're ready for chapter 13, passive or Powerful. If you haven't been following along, go ahead and watch this episode, but, or listen to it. If you would like to track and catch up with the previous 12 chapters. There's a link below. You can access all the previous episodes. There is a deal. We're running a Black Friday deal. You can get the hard copy version 30% off the Kindle version, 70% off that link is also in the description below. So basically we're doing this because it's been four years since I I published it, So we're celebrating the anniversary. Also, we're getting ready to release an audio version of this. It's not gonna be on Audible necessarily, at least not at this point, but it will be something you can access if you would like an audio version.
Speaker 0 00:01:02 And when I started writing years ago, goodness, it's been almost 10 years now, that I've been writing more or less every day, like writing something, some sort of project, whether it's on my blog or in a book, or sometimes writing for other people. When I started writing, one of the things that a mentor helped me, helped me shift my framework in is that I will say things differently as I grow older, As I mature, as I grow in knowledge and wisdom, I will say things differently. He empowered me by saying, Don't let that keep you from saying it now. So that's why I write with, with oldness and courage. But I also want to write with humility, knowing that I will say things differently. And even though there's something that I discovered now, like this book is a great example because the, the, the crux, the core of the message, I still believe in.
Speaker 0 00:02:02 I still promote this book, and I've, I also know that it has helped many, many people. And so I'm grateful for that. For <laugh>. I've had compliments. People have said it's the best book on overcoming Lus that they've ever read. And that obviously there, there's a couple books like Unwanted by J Stringer. I'm like, Uh, have you read that book, <laugh>? But because if he had written, if he had published his book before I published mine, I probably would've felt a little like, Okay, he's a psychologist, Like, go read his book. But this is more, it's a conversation between me and the reader about my story. And so it's, it's more just kind of walking through my own story where you can find yourself in my story. That's, that's where it's gonna benefit you. We also enter into a larger conversation of sexuality, what it means to be a man, a healthy man.
Speaker 0 00:02:57 And so, yeah, I, I still believe in the message. However, there are things I would say differently. And in this chapter, chapter 13, passive or powerful, we begin to get into some of these things a little bit further. I will just say, as I was listening through this chapter, after I was trying to put myself, let's say I did not know me, not know myself, like what would I think I'm saying as a result of just listening to this chapter? And it's one of those things, like just listening to the chapter, you might think I'm saying, men are made to be powerful and you, you know, or you might think I'm saying, all people are made to live powerfully and lived. And, and so it's like, well, maybe I'm not, I'm more critical of myself because I know the framework I was working from. But the actual thing I said in the chapter, it's like, well, I don't, maybe I, I, I even gave a caveat in the chapter that as I was listening, I was like, Oh, I forgot I gave that copy yet. Okay, that, that kind of saves me. But I know that I was working from four years ago, you know, probably five years ago when I, maybe six when I wrote this chapter. I forget when I wrote the chapter. I think it was maybe 2016, beginning of 2017, perhaps.
Speaker 0 00:04:29 I know the framework that I was working from at the time, I sort of disagree with now. And that is that men are made to go out and conquer and to be these powerful things. Women are something different. Like maybe they're to keep a home or I don't know if I would've worded it quite like that. How I would say it now is that all human beings are made to go out, to go out into the world. And one thing I noticed, I use the term powerful here. I don't define it. What I mean by very well, I'm not meaning aggressive. And I sort of think, now that I say that word, I sort of think I'm, I explain that at some point. So I'll keep, I'll keep reading through the book again and see it maybe the next chapter. So what I mean, I'm not meaning aggressive, like you're supposed to be aggressive all the time and rough.
Speaker 0 00:05:23 And you know, that's not the kind of power I'm talking about. I'm what I'm saying when I mean powerful is that you go out and make something happen instead of just letting everything happen to you. Obviously there are things that just let happen to us. Obviously there are roles that we need to fill. You can't go into somebody else's home and decide you're gonna make stuff happen. You can't join a new church and decide you're gonna make stuff happen, right? Like, that's just being rude and just being a jerk. What I mean is that there's intentionality that you have a vision for life. There's specific goals you're, you're wanting to achieve, and they take some risks, they take some sacrifice. It's, it's gonna be some, some sweat, some tears with it. That's a form of going out and living powerfully instead of just, ah, it's scary, I'm gonna play it safe.
Speaker 0 00:06:19 So there's different ways we could phrase it. Taking risks, playing it safe. I don't know, living with intentionality. Maybe those would be better, but that's what I mean by living powerfully. But I believe all human beings are made for that. And there can be various forms of intentionality, various forms of living powerfully. One of 'em could be bringing people in intentionally into your life where, where you are living powerfully through hospitality. And so I think sometimes we can create this message where it's, you gotta go out and conquer. And there's a lot, I'm not gonna get into it here, but there's a lot of history that kind of goes into that mindset with us Christians, that like men need to go out and conquer, but women, women are made and even their, their sexuality is made to, to drive them to, to do, build creative things in the world to, to add beauty and goodness in the world.
Speaker 0 00:07:21 And so I, I don't distinctly say that in the, in the book that this is a man thing as opposed to a woman thing. But I don't flesh it out either knowing that most of my audience is probably gonna be a high complementarian audience. Where I think we are susceptible to kind of that, that over-emphasis and that stereotype is, I think, I think we need to be more care. The Bible actually doesn't define gender roles that clearly. Um, and I do believe that part of staying free, living in freedom, in sexual freedom is discovering the larger purpose for your sexuality. And that's the premise of this chapter and part three of the book. So I don't disagree with that. Like discovering the larger purpose for your sexuality beyond just having sex is a crucial part to continuing to walk in freedom as you go forward in life.
Speaker 0 00:08:23 Whether you're a man or a woman, whether you're single or married, whether you do that by going on the mission field to an unreached people group. Whether you do that by starting a business, whether you do that by finding ways to be faithful in your five to nine job or your nine to five job. I guess some people start at five in the morning and go to nine at night that, that please don't work that much. You need to rest. But anyways, whether you do that in a just a, you're working for somebody, you show up, you clock in, but you're finding ways to sow seeds of goodness to, to reflect the beauty of, of Jesus in your everyday life. Like that's, that's living with intentionality, that's living powerfully as well. And so I, I want to avoid in future writings, and if I would ever redo, if I would ever do a revision of this book, I would nuance this out a little bit so that I'm not participating in building up that stereotype.
Speaker 0 00:09:25 Um, and I think another thing that I think is this chapter feeds a little bit this mindset that we're supposed to go out and be world changers. And, you know, I think Americans have a little bit of an obsession with being world changers. Yes. Like be a positive impact in your world. But if you're not out like being the next Elon Musk or you know, Jeff Bezos or, um, Steve Jobs, the A guy, goodness forgot his name. Um, you know, if you're not inventing something new and great, that doesn't mean you're not living a meaningful life. That doesn't mean you're not, or you know, someone like Donald Miller, maybe bring it down to home a little bit closer. It's like, if you're not, if you don't have this estate that you're building so that people can come and stay at, and you're teaching people how to tell stories and how to market according to a story brand, like if that's not you, that doesn't mean you're not living a meaningful life.
Speaker 0 00:10:30 Just find, find ways in your world today. And they will probably all take risks, um, to, to, so a positive influence, um, whether that's like, Hey, I want to leave my mark is going to be that I'm gonna do something with excellence. Maybe that's it. Maybe my mark is gonna be that, that I want to, I want to teach people how to stay and really difficult situations like that's gonna be my mark is showing up when everybody else would run away. Um, maybe my mark is gonna be like, I really want to just know the story of scripture. And in any form of writing and teaching, I do, I want to rehearse the story of scripture, the story of Jesus <laugh>. That's, that's a mark that I wanna leave in the world. So what, no matter what type of communicating I do, like, I want that to come through. Um, and, and I say that the story of scripture, because it points to Jesus, right? It, it leads us to Jesus reviews. The beauty of bgs anyways, finding ways to live intentionally and powerfully is, is crucial to,
Speaker 0 00:11:55 Um, maintaining freedom to living in freedom. There, there were a couple things, um, I I quote a list from author Bruce Langman of like, living powerfully as opposed to living passively. And I think some of those things, like I would wanna be careful that we don't stereotype them as just men things as opposed to just women things. So if you're reading this, think about that. I think, um, I talk about like husbands confronting negative situations in the family. Um, and I actually, I I, for the writing of this book, so I was already beginning to process some of these things as I wrote, I adapted the list a little bit and I included addressing like negative aspects in ourselves first. Um, because I think sometimes we can, it's, we center men as if we're like the hero of the story and we come in and we solve the problems.
Speaker 0 00:12:51 Well, sometimes the problem is us. And so being willing to lead our family in repentance and self-reflection, but then also, yes, in good healthy relationships, in good healthy communities, we're willing to confront situations instead of just, ah, I just wanna keep the peace and, and not ruffle anything that's true for men. It's true for women, it's true for whether you're married, whether you're single. It's true for whether you're in a, a role of authority in that community or in that situation, or whether you're, you don't have any significant role of authority. Um, and so I just, yeah, it's just like, you know, I don't disagree with this list. I just hope we don't create the picture that like, these are just man things. The other thing that I was thinking about as I read through it was, um, I reference masturbation a little bit and, and talk about some of the, the nuance behind masturbation and trying to see if I can find it here.
Speaker 0 00:14:08 The temptation to masturbate is strongest when we are living passively instead of powerfully sex is designed to be shared within the marriage relationship, not by oneself or personal pleasure. I would just say that, um, ma masturbation, I, I agree with that. Sex is designed to be shared within the marriage relationship, not by oneself for personal pleasure, but I'm not sure I agree with that. The temptation to masturbate is strongest when we are living passively. If we're living passively, yeah, we probably will also deal with temptation to masturbate or have, find some sort of sexual gratification in some way or another. But if you're experiencing a strong desire for sex or you're tempted to masturbate, that's not necessarily because you're living passively. Does that make sense? So I would, I would flesh that out a little bit more. Um, and obviously anybody who's been single for any amount of time can probably know exactly what I mean, probably read that and immediately felt concern or at odds or whatever.
Speaker 0 00:15:35 So I, I would be, I would love to hear, especially if you are single and you read a chapter like that or something, or, um, maybe some of you ladies, I know there have been ladies that have read this book, surprisingly, some have benefited from the book. Um, I make it very clear early on that I'm not trying to write to ladies. There's a lot of things that could have been addressed if, you know, if I was trying to write a, a broader book on sexuality, which I might one day, but I would love to hear, what, how does a chapter like this land on you? By the way, if you don't have the book yet, this chapter is only 14 minute read. It's, it's pretty short. So grab the book in the link below and read it and let me know what you think, how, how would you say it differently or do you think, do you agree with it?
Speaker 0 00:16:30 Do you, do you like it the way it is? How did it land on you when you read it? That I think that's one thing I would love to hear from people because, and this is the thing, like, every time I write, I like to write something and then let it sit for at least a little bit, at least a half a day before I publish it or, you know, move it on to the next phase. Because time always gives perspective. And then like, another thing is to have it read aloud to me because I hear it differently, or, or then I hear like how other people are emphasizing different phrases. And so I was like, Wait, that, that gives a completely different connotation when you say it with that emphasis. Why did you do that? Cause I would read it with this emphasis. And you just discover that people read your stuff differently than, than how you're reading it as you write.
Speaker 0 00:17:20 And I've thought about that now that I'm going back four years later. It's like, wait, why did I word it that way, <laugh>? And so I'm curious if there's things, how did it land on you? I would love to hear about that. That would help me know how my writing lands, how I could improve and what might need to be revised in live free tomorrow. We're gonna look, we're gonna enter part three of the book, the last section, and we'll be back with more of that because I cannot remember the title of chapter 14. I won't go try to say it. So we'll see you tomorrow.
